Family and domestic abuse comes in many forms, including physical violence, emotional, economic, verbal or sexual abuse. Each domestic abuser may take a different approach to their abuse, but one thing that many abusers have in common is that they typically follow a pattern. Abuse is rarely constant and in most cases is not random - rather, abuse typically follows a pattern referred to as the Cycle of Abuse.
Developed in 1979 by Lenore E. Walker, an American psychologist, author and founder of the Domestic Violence Institute, the Cycle of Abuse is a theory that seeks to explain behaviour patterns in abusers. The theory was developed after Lenore interviewed 1500 women who had experienced domestic violence and discovered that many of the women spoke of the same patterns of behaviour in their partners.
The theory was initially referred to as the “battering cycle” and “battered woman syndrome”, but that was later refines to be the cycle of abuse due to the fact that the behaviour pattern appears to be applicable emotional abuse, to both men and women as abusers, as well as abuse within same sex relationships. The theory does have its critics, but is used in a great deal of domestic violence educational and support material in the United States as well as Australia.
The theory breaks abusive behaviour into four stages that occur in a repeated pattern. The four stages, Tension Building, Incident, Reconciliation and Calm feed into each other, continuing the cycle. Some domestic violence resources combine reconciliation and calm phases into a single “honeymoon phase”, but the tension building and incident (sometimes referred to as “explosion”) remain the same.
The Cycle of Abuse
The cycle of abuse typically follows the following order and is continuous until it is broken, either by leaving the relationship or some other form of intervention (arrest, counselling, etc). The time frame in which the cycle occurs from case to case - for some people a simple cycle could take a year or more, but for others it could be a monthly or weekly occurrence. That said, the duration of a cycle does appear to diminish over time, typically with the length of the reconciliation and calm stages becoming truncated.
Tension Building
During this phase, tension builds in the abuser due to normal everyday stressors, or perceived slights. Conflict, issues with children, financial difficulties, and even world events can all contribute to this building tension.
There is no set time or even time frame for this phase, as depending on the case it can be hours to weeks or months of build-up, but during it the abuser typically begins to feel as if they have been wronged, slighted or neglected, leaving the victim to feel like they are walking on eggshells. The abuser may have unrealistic expectations for the victim, or accuse them of slights and yell at them.
People who have been through the cycle before may try to do everything they can to placate or calm their abuser, but it is highly unlikely anything that is done will make a positive difference instead of being taken as a further slight or aggravation.
Incident (Explosion)
The incident stage begins when the perpetrator is upset or otherwise aggrieved by something the victim does, triggering an outburst of violence and abuse (physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual) intended to exert dominance over their partner. In many cases, the victim of the abuse will downplay or hide the abuse, due to fear that to do anything may make the situation worse, embarrassment, or even that they deserve the abuse.
The outburst of abuse and/or violence acts as a tension release for the abuser, calming them for a time.
Reconciliation
The reconciliation phase takes place after the tension has been released by violence. There may be some initial recriminations against the victim, such as telling them “you brought this on yourself”, but also may begin to feel regret for their actions, or fear that the victim will leave or call the police. During this stage the victim is typically at a low emotional ebb, feeling pain, humiliation, self-recrimination and fear.
To assuage their feelings of guilt or to stop their partner from leaving or calling the authorities, the abuse attempts to initiate a reconciliation. This may take the form of promises that this will be the last time that the abuse happens and they will get help, buying gifts or flowers, taking their partner out to dinner or on holidays, or otherwise acting in a caring or loving manner.
This reconciliation may also include elements of gaslighting, with the abuser trying to explain their actions, stressing that they did not want to do what they did but their partner made them do it because of their behaviour or actions. This gaslighting can play a significant factor in stopping a person from leaving an abusive relationship.
Calm
Sometimes referred to as the honeymoon phase, the calm sees the abuser act as “normally”. During this phase they are typically calm and kind and may even seek counselling for their behaviour and ask for forgiveness for their actions. Note that asking for forgiveness is very different to apologising, as the former puts the onus for reconciliation on the victim, not the abuser.
During the calm phase the victim may come to believe that their abuser has changed and that the cycle has broken, but in most cases the abuser starts to find faults in their partner’s actions or behaviour, leading to tension beginning to build, leading back to the tension build phase.
Ending the Cycle
Without some kind of intervention or escape, it’s unlikely that the cycle of abuse will break on its own. The first step to breaking the cycle is recognising you are in an abusive relationship. This is not always easy, as abusive relationships typically start as normal, loving relationships with the abusive behaviour only emerging after a tight bond between partners has been formed.
There are a number of resources available to help people gain information about, resources or even help people escape abusive relationships.
Psychological counselling may also break the cycle of abuse, either giving the abused partner the strength and self-worth to escape their situation, or the abuser actually seeking help for their behaviour and following through with their therapy.